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Illusion 3: I can’t live without him/her

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing can be further from the truth. Many young people have believed this myth for too long to their own peril. Sometimes you hear them say things like: you are my life; I can’t survive without you… Sometimes they say these things in the heat of their emotions. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that these are just false beliefs.

You see in God’s equation of a wholesome relationship, it takes two complete beings of the opposite sex to form a complete and whole relationship. Two incomplete beings can never form a wholesome relationship. Until you are complete, you are not fit for a relationship. So does it mean to be ‘complete’? To be complete means to be whole. It means to have a healthy sense of self-worth, the kind that makes you confident in yourself, the kind that makes your life worth living with or without a man or woman in your life.

With this kind of wholesome, you are not seeking approval or acceptance from relationship with somebody else. NO. Your acceptance comes from deep within you. You’ve fallen in love with yourself. You are not waiting to have a lover before you are satisfied or happy. NO. Your satisfaction comes from knowing that you have intrinsic value, knowing that you are full of substance on your inside. With this kind of sense of completeness, you see relationship and love as a welcome addition to your life and not as a compulsory accessory without which you can’t be fulfilled.

When you build your life around your lover, you are digging the grave of heartbreak without knowing. Those that think they can’t live without him or her are the ones easily susceptible to frustrations and heartbreaks. Those that have their own life i.e. are whole in themselves are not easily heartbroken because their hearts have been shielded. They are not possessive of the relationship or their lover. So when a man or woman chooses to walk away from their lives, though they feel the pain of loss, though they cry, they don’t get pitiably broken and shattered; they still have their wholeness. They rise up from that point knowing that they have what it takes on their inside to attract a more worthy man into their lives.

If she’s amazing she won’t be easy. If she is easy, she won’t be amazing.

If she is worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you are not worthy.

Anonymous

 

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Illusion 2: It doesn’t matter!

illusion

Sometimes we tend to ignore the obvious facts observable to us. Ladies especially, being more emotional in nature, tend to act in ‘denial mode’ i.e. they try to rationalize the character flaws and other signs that point to the fact that something is wrong with the relationship. Many times we see danger ahead but we allow our emotions to get a better part of us. We seem to believe that irrespective of the ‘danger signs’ we see, we can still make the relationship work. The truth is that, deep down on the inside of us we are afraid of losing ‘this sweet thing’ we’ve found. This is true of both of both ladies and men.

‘It doesn’t matter’, they say, ‘what really matter is that we are in love with each other.’ ILLUSION; yes, that’s what it is. How naive! So many marriages, not just relationships now, have hit the rocks today, with most ending in divorce courts because either or both of the partners ignored the warning signs at the cradle of the relationship. And don’t tell me they didn’t fall heads over heels in love with each other at the start. Don’t tell me they didn’t make sweet little promises lovers make for each other when intoxicated with attraction and feelings. Why is it that people rarely learn from history?

This is my point: some relationships can’t just work no matter how strong the feelings are, ASAP! Such relationships will rather give you heart aches and a lot of frustrations. You have to learn how to spot one when it shows up. And it is wisdom to learn to let down the bait and let go the catch when you come across such relationship. So you may want to ask: how do I recognize relationships that can’t work?

Learn to listen to your intuition – that still small voice from the deepest part of you. That voice is always giving us signals when something is not right somewhere. The problem is that most of us have not learnt to listen to it or obey it. Listen to your heart; is it giving you signs of peace or is it showing unrest? Don’t ignore the voice of your heart; that might be your greatest asset in relationship success.

For the records, here are just a few of the warning signals you need to watch out for:

  • He/she frowns or get angry habitually when he/she sees you with another lady/man. He/she didn’t care who you are with or what you’re doing with that person. He/she has a disease called ‘insecurity’. Don’t take that lightly!
  • He/she abuses you verbally, physically or otherwise. He/she doesn’t respect you or your emotions.
  • He/she is addicted to a destructive habit, and you are aware. He/she can’t do without smoking or drinking; or he/she is addicted to drugs; or he/she can’t do without sex…eh! RUN! You will be competing with his/her addiction in his/her heart. And you are sure to take second place!
  • He/she tell lies habitually. And he/she always give excuses to cover up his inconsistencies.
  • He/she complain, murmur and nag always and about almost anything. He/she is dissatisfied with life and living.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
Nietzsche

Join me in the next post as we explore another illusion: ‘I can’t live without him/her.’

 

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ILLUSION 1: IT’S ALL ABOUT EMOTIONS

attraction

A major cause of break-ups and heartbreaks is when either or both party involved in the relationship holds unto illusions. Illusions are lies that appear as true. They are false beliefs and wrong perceptions that a person may be holding on to. Many relationships crumbling today were based upon illusions. They were based upon ideas and beliefs which cannot stand the winds and storms of reality that come to test the strength and stability of a relationship. A relationship that cannot stand this test is weak and so ends up crashing. I will be sharing three of such illusions.

Illusion 1: it’s all about emotion

Many love stories today are founded on feelings, physical attraction and charms. The storyline goes something like: guy meet girl and they fall heads over hills in love with each other. If what brought you together is how strong you feel towards each other and how much you are physical attracted to one another, you may be in for a disappointment. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be physically attracted to each other or to feel strongly towards each other. As a matter of fact, those two are necessary for the success of a relationship.

My point is dis: while those ‘feelings’ and ‘attraction’ are essential to relationship success, they are not strong enough to form the bedrock, the foundation of a long lasting and fulfilling relationship. It takes much more than feelings and attraction to sustain a fulfilling relationship. As a matter of fact, love itself is deeper than feelings and attraction. Those two make up a little portion of what love entails. Defining love just by these two components is the illusion that has led a lot of lovers to frustration, disappointment and heartbreak.

Sustaining a relationship requires an understanding of the sacrifices involved in loving a person; it entails understanding of the selflessness, the forbearance, the patience that love demands; it involves learning to go beyond how you feel to practically expressing love to one another unconditionally. Sustaining a relationship also involves an understanding of how to communicate with each other on a deeper and much more intimate level. The wisdom to deal correctly with the change time brings to our relationships is equally an inevitable requirement of fulfillment in relationship.

Lovers that neglect all these and simply focus on their feelings and attraction realized most times too late that they’ve built on a very shaky foundation. So the next time your emotions are driving you crazy, ask yourself a tough question and be sincere in answering the question: is there much more to this thing than just my feelings and attraction for him/her? Keeping yourself from heartbreak might mean taking the painful decision to walk away from your overwhelming emotions, when you can’t find something that will be worth investing your life on in the relationship.

 

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LOVE OR ILLUSION?

“Not again!” Kate lamented, tears streaming down her cheeks. She has been heartbroken once before and now Charles, her love-mate with whom she has been in a relationship for 7 months, just announced to her that he’s no longer interested in the relationship. About 2 months before that time, Grace, a female colleague at her workplace, informed her that she saw Charles at an eatery with another lady kissing very intimately. “I thought my eyes were deceiving me,” Grace told Kate, “until I noticed his car packed in the parking lot.” Kate didn’t believe Kate’s story though, waving it off as one of her colleague’s gossip. She concluded that Kate was just being jealous about her new found promising relationship. “How wrong I was”, she thought to herself. “How come I didn’t see this coming? I trusted Charles so much I didn’t believe he could cheat on me.”

She had actually observed him behave rather inconsistently for like a month before the heartbreak. Charles doesn’t call her as often as he had done since the beginning of their affair; he sometimes didn’t pick her calls; he didn’t communicate with her as freely as he used to anymore. One few occasions when she confronted him on his strange behaviors, Charles had cunningly waved it off as something so trivial. Most times, he blames it on work and stress. “So all this while, Charles had been cheating on me while deceiving me!” Kate busted out, regret and bitterness filling her voice.

She had invested so much in the relationship. She had rehearsed many times in her imagination how her glorious their wedding is going to be. She had no cause to think that there could be any man that perfectly fit her like Charles. And why would she? She was crazily in love with Charles! But all that came crumbling some few minutes ago. These are the thoughts that rummaged through her mind as she held her pillow so tight to her chest, already wet in tears. She felt as if the whole world has just crumbled upon her. “Will I ever be able to love a man again? Can I ever trust men again? Why am I so unlucky?”…

‘Very touching story’, you say. But it’s not just a story; it’s the experience of very many people, both male and female, out there. Perhaps, someone reading this piece has been, at one time or another, a victim of heartbreak. May be you’ve gotten over it. May be you’ve not. And if in your own case, you’ve not had an experience of heartbreak, congratulations. Either way, you need to read on because the next few paragraphs might be your life-saver from heartbreak, or another painful heartbreak, as the case may be.

I shall be highlighting key causes of heartbreaks, which has become rampant in relationships today. I believe that by the time you are true reading this piece, you will gain enough insight and foresight into how you can avoid heartbreak, whether for the first time, or the second time, third time or whichever the case. I will begin this informative discuss starting from my next blog post.

 

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Love and trust

bound by loveLOVE AND TRUST

When you give your heart to a member of the opposite sex, you give him or her permission to break your heart. That’s because love, by its very nature, is vulnerable.’ And that’s why love cannot survive without trust. Trust is the bedrock of every relationship, whether is relationship between friends, family and definitely between couples.

Worthy or not worthy?

Many ladies or guys might not be aware of the consequences of giving their most treasured possession – their heart – to a person they agree to engage in an affair. If you commit your heart to someone who cannot be trusted, it’s like throwing your pearls before swines.

The greatest mistake you can make is to assume that if he/she loves me, then I can trust him. WRONG! Love and trust are two different things entirely. It’s very possible to love and not trust somebody (the vice versa is very unlikely). For example a woman whose husband has betrayed her trust by discovering he has an affair with another woman might forgive the man when he confesses and show repentance. She may still love him but unable to trust him completely thereafter.

Trust is like an account. When you do things that build trust, like keeping your promises, showing acts of loyalty, you’re making deposits. And when you do things that destroy trust, you are making withdrawal.

Learning to guard your heart jealously against people who are not trustworthy might be the greatest skill you will need to develop to enjoy a wholesome and enriching relationship and love life. Most heartbreaks is traceable to relationships that started with either of the party not careful enough before entrusting his/her heart to the other party.

 

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