Monthly Archives: February 2012

Illusion 3: I can’t live without him/her






Nothing can be further from the truth. Many young people have believed this myth for too long to their own peril. Sometimes you hear them say things like: you are my life; I can’t survive without you… Sometimes they say these things in the heat of their emotions. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that these are just false beliefs.

You see in God’s equation of a wholesome relationship, it takes two complete beings of the opposite sex to form a complete and whole relationship. Two incomplete beings can never form a wholesome relationship. Until you are complete, you are not fit for a relationship. So does it mean to be ‘complete’? To be complete means to be whole. It means to have a healthy sense of self-worth, the kind that makes you confident in yourself, the kind that makes your life worth living with or without a man or woman in your life.

With this kind of wholesome, you are not seeking approval or acceptance from relationship with somebody else. NO. Your acceptance comes from deep within you. You’ve fallen in love with yourself. You are not waiting to have a lover before you are satisfied or happy. NO. Your satisfaction comes from knowing that you have intrinsic value, knowing that you are full of substance on your inside. With this kind of sense of completeness, you see relationship and love as a welcome addition to your life and not as a compulsory accessory without which you can’t be fulfilled.

When you build your life around your lover, you are digging the grave of heartbreak without knowing. Those that think they can’t live without him or her are the ones easily susceptible to frustrations and heartbreaks. Those that have their own life i.e. are whole in themselves are not easily heartbroken because their hearts have been shielded. They are not possessive of the relationship or their lover. So when a man or woman chooses to walk away from their lives, though they feel the pain of loss, though they cry, they don’t get pitiably broken and shattered; they still have their wholeness. They rise up from that point knowing that they have what it takes on their inside to attract a more worthy man into their lives.

If she’s amazing she won’t be easy. If she is easy, she won’t be amazing.

If she is worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you are not worthy.



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Illusion 2: It doesn’t matter!


Sometimes we tend to ignore the obvious facts observable to us. Ladies especially, being more emotional in nature, tend to act in ‘denial mode’ i.e. they try to rationalize the character flaws and other signs that point to the fact that something is wrong with the relationship. Many times we see danger ahead but we allow our emotions to get a better part of us. We seem to believe that irrespective of the ‘danger signs’ we see, we can still make the relationship work. The truth is that, deep down on the inside of us we are afraid of losing ‘this sweet thing’ we’ve found. This is true of both of both ladies and men.

‘It doesn’t matter’, they say, ‘what really matter is that we are in love with each other.’ ILLUSION; yes, that’s what it is. How naive! So many marriages, not just relationships now, have hit the rocks today, with most ending in divorce courts because either or both of the partners ignored the warning signs at the cradle of the relationship. And don’t tell me they didn’t fall heads over heels in love with each other at the start. Don’t tell me they didn’t make sweet little promises lovers make for each other when intoxicated with attraction and feelings. Why is it that people rarely learn from history?

This is my point: some relationships can’t just work no matter how strong the feelings are, ASAP! Such relationships will rather give you heart aches and a lot of frustrations. You have to learn how to spot one when it shows up. And it is wisdom to learn to let down the bait and let go the catch when you come across such relationship. So you may want to ask: how do I recognize relationships that can’t work?

Learn to listen to your intuition – that still small voice from the deepest part of you. That voice is always giving us signals when something is not right somewhere. The problem is that most of us have not learnt to listen to it or obey it. Listen to your heart; is it giving you signs of peace or is it showing unrest? Don’t ignore the voice of your heart; that might be your greatest asset in relationship success.

For the records, here are just a few of the warning signals you need to watch out for:

  • He/she frowns or get angry habitually when he/she sees you with another lady/man. He/she didn’t care who you are with or what you’re doing with that person. He/she has a disease called ‘insecurity’. Don’t take that lightly!
  • He/she abuses you verbally, physically or otherwise. He/she doesn’t respect you or your emotions.
  • He/she is addicted to a destructive habit, and you are aware. He/she can’t do without smoking or drinking; or he/she is addicted to drugs; or he/she can’t do without sex…eh! RUN! You will be competing with his/her addiction in his/her heart. And you are sure to take second place!
  • He/she tell lies habitually. And he/she always give excuses to cover up his inconsistencies.
  • He/she complain, murmur and nag always and about almost anything. He/she is dissatisfied with life and living.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

Join me in the next post as we explore another illusion: ‘I can’t live without him/her.’


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